đâ¤ď¸đ Celibacy - Are You Serious!
A story of impossible promises, closeted behavior, and inevitable abuse.
Extract from The Batshit Crazy Bible by Robert Ragnar
So, seriously, whatâs with celibacy? Involuntary celibacy, where one hits a dry patch, is understandable, if unfortunate. But choosing to refrain for an entire lifetime? Now thatâs really pushing the boundaries of common sense. In this practice, faith seems to collide head-on with human nature, turning âanimalâ instincts into something shameful and elevating âabstinenceâ to a lonely perch. In theory, celibacy is a transcendental spiritual discipline, all about purity and unwavering focus on divine service. In practice, though, it is a rule born from unresolved psychological conflicts, perhaps invented by someone unable to come to grips with their own mommy issues. If there is one rule that the Catholic church should drop for its clergy, this is it! It is a dangerous practice as we have seen, with the many sexual crimes exposed in institutions where children are cared for by supposedly celibate representatives of the various churches. It is a horrible subject, but we should support the efforts of many others to shed some light.
The practice of celibacy wasnât always a feature of Christianity. In the earliest days, many members of the clergy were, in fact, married. It wasnât until the 4th century that celibacy began gaining traction, and by the 11th century, it became solidly embedded as Catholic doctrine. The reasoning was, in theory, simple: sex is a distraction, and distractions interfere with holiness. A straightforward solution to a complex human issueâlike trying to hold back a river with a handful of pebbles. Pope Gregory VII officially established the rule in 1074 CE, making celibacy mandatory for priests. But his motives werenât purely theological; political considerations also came into play. Celibacy meant no wives or children to inherit church property, so assets stayed within church controlâa genius maneuver if a bit Machiavellian. But the rule didnât exactly eliminate what one might call âextracurricular activitiesâ; it just forced them into secretive, sometimes disturbing outlets.
Contrary to popular belief, the Bible doesnât insist on celibacy for clergy. Paul might suggest in 1 Corinthians 7:7-9 that itâs âbetter to stay unmarried,â but he readily admits itâs a matter of personal capacity. Celibacy, according to Paul, is a giftâa talent, like playing the piano or mastering a Rubikâs cube. Peter, traditionally considered the first pope, was married, as evidenced in Matthew 8:14, which references his mother-in-law. Then thereâs 1 Timothy 3:2, which states that a bishop should be âthe husband of one wife.â Clearly, early Christian leaders werenât nearly as celibate-focused as later generations would become. Ironically, the Catholic Church itself had a heavy hand in compiling, translating, and editing what we now consider the Christian Bible, yet it diverged dramatically in practice.
For certain branches of Christianityâand especially for a few notorious cult leadersâcelibacy became a rule for others, not for themselves. David Koresh, leader of the Branch Davidians, enforced strict celibacy among his male followers, declaring their marriages null and forbidding them from sexual relationships. Yet, by his own divine decree, Koresh exempted himself, claiming the exclusive right to take multiple wives, some alarmingly young. Similarly, Warren Jeffs of the FLDS (Fundamentalist Latter-Day Saints) wielded absolute control over the marital lives of his followers, reassigning wives among men as he saw fit while accumulating over 70 wives for himself under the guise of divine command.
In these cases, celibacy wasnât just ignoredâit became a tool of control. Abstinence was demanded arbitrarily of their followers, framed as a spiritual virtue, while the leaders portrayed their own unbridled sexual excesses as divinely ordained.
Seemingly the biblical opposite of Celibacy is the subject of polygamy, which was almost the norm in the Old Testament. Solomon, with his staggering 700 wives and 300 concubines (1 Kings 11:3), and others like Abraham, Jacob, and David, didnât exactly follow a one-partner model. In biblical times, polygamy wasnât scandalous; it was normal for powerful men. The New Testament subtly moves toward monogamy, but itâs more likely a result of cultural shifts than any strict theological stance. Exactly how this shift happened is one of historyâs odditiesâpossibly the result of Roman law and cultural influence. But the Bible, it seems, doesnât wholeheartedly endorse more modern notions of âone person, one spouse.â
For modern Christianity and in Western Culture generally, polygamy has been largely abandoned in favor of monogamy. Some modern-day Christian offshoots like the IFLDS, The Independent Fundamentalist Mormons, The Church of the Firstborn and the General Assembly of Heaven, andâmy personal favorite, the House of Yahwehâstill cling to polygamy, arguing itâs the truest form of biblical marriage. The previously mentioned FLDS movement wielded Biblical literalism as a tool to manipulate vulnerable individuals, resulting in devastating consequences for many lives. David Koresh of the Branch Davidians (an offshoot of the Seventh-day Adventist Church) no doubt also saw himself as a bit of a Solomon.
Now letâs add another layer: celibacy and homosexuality. Frederic Martelâs book In the Closet of the Vatican (2019) makes a bold claim: that around 80% of priests working in the Vatican are gay, and many of them are sexually active. Letâs be clear hereâbeing gay is not the issue. The issue is the staggering hypocrisy in a Church that teaches celibacy and often condemns homosexuality, all while so many of its clergy are living double lives.
The cognitive dissonance must be exhausting. Martelâs expose shows that the real issue isnât sexual orientation but the crushing burden of pretending to be something youâre not. And as always, itâs the illusion of celibacy thatâs at the heart of it all.
The combination of celibacy and power has proven to be a toxic cocktail. When people are taught to repress natural instincts for too long, unhealthy outlets can and often do follow. Itâs a staggering problem that the Church has, at times, tried to ignore or downplay. But as the abuse scandals have shown, repressed desires often find their way out in twisted formsâforms that have damaged countless lives.
The Catholic Church has faced its darkest reckoning in the exposure of widespread sexual abuse scandals, revealing horrors that spanned decades, if not centuries. In Ireland, the Ryan Report (2009) detailed systemic abuse in Church-run institutions, where thousands of children suffered physical, emotional, and sexual torment at the hands of priests and nuns. Across the Atlantic, the Boston Globeâs groundbreaking 2002 investigation uncovered how Church officials had quietly reassigned abusive priests, allowing predators like John Geoghan to harm over 130 children before his eventual prosecution. These cases are just the tip of the iceberg, with similar atrocities uncovered in Australia, Chile, and other countries, illustrating a global crisis of abuse and institutional cover-up that continues to shatter lives and faith alike.
Celibacy stands as one of the more bizarre rules of Christian tradition. Itâs an attempt to elevate âspiritualityâ to an angelic ideal, while simultaneously ignoring the fact that, at the end of the day, clergy are just animals from the Homo sapiens species, like the rest of us. They crave intimacy, they have desires, and for many, the rule of celibacy has been a source of personal torment, hypocrisy, and scandal.
Whatâs the point of all this celibate martyrdom? For most clergy, itâs nothing more than an impossible façade, a veneer of purity that loads guilt upon shame. It turns natural human impulses into something to be hidden, repressed, and feared. And in the end, all for what?
đ Ragnarâs Note
This essay is adapted from The Batshit Crazy Bible â A Satirical Perspective on Humanityâs Holiest Hypocrisies.